What's Your Expendables Character Name?

[miss_s_b]

The Expendables 2 is coming out soon, and James and I have been looking forward to it as a guilty pleasure. We're both fans of cheesy over the top action movies, and they don't come much cheesier than The Expendables. And yes, I know it's cliched and sexist and racially stereotyped and problematic in many other ways... But I still really enjoyed it.

We were talking about the names of the characters, and they are (hopefully intentionally) cheesy too. I mean, Jean Claude Van Damnation is playing "Jean Vilain" - John the Villain. And the others are stuff like Toll Road and Ben Christmas and Trent Mauser. So we figured we could start a meme: what is YOUR Expendables name?

If you're male, and have English as your first language:

• your first name is the river nearest the place you were born


• your surname is the holiday nearest the date of your birth.


• This makes James Trent Summer, because the long holidays between academic years ARE known as The Summer Holidays, and being more specific makes him Trent August Bank Holiday. Or possibly Trent Harvest Festival. Similarly, Mat is Dart Summer.

If you are male, but have English as a second language, or don't speak English at all, your Expendables name MUST be an EITHER aspect of your character "foreignised" (like Jean Vilain), OR a horrible play on some stereotype about your nationality/ethnicity (Jet Li's character Yin Yang)

If you're female:

• Girls only get one name in The Expendables, because no woman is important enought to deserve a surname, and to find out what it is you have to decide if you're going to be a Token Female Action Hero or a Love Interest


• if you're a Token Female Action Hero you get the river thing that the boys get for first name - This makes me Colne.


• if you're a Love Interest you must name yourself after a descriptor which applies to your underwear (c.f Charisma Carpenter's "character" Lacy). If I was a love interest I would be Skimpy

What about you lot?

Comments

[karohemd]

If English was my first language, I would be Eger Easter (I was born on an Easter Saturday which has never been repeated, a few times on or around Easter but never on the Saturday).
As some of the character names are objects I could be Panzerfaust (a type of bazooka).

[missdiane]

If I were an English speaking dude, that would make me Scioto Memorial (obvs Token Female Action Hero name = Scioto)

If I'm the love interest, sadly I'm Granny. LOL

[miss_s_b]

"If I'm the love interest, sadly I'm Granny. LOL"

I love you.

Scioto sounds quite exotic and femme fataley though :)

[missdiane]

*mwah* Love you too, sweets

Heh, I think Colne and Scioto would be one fierce pair of fighting hotties if there were more than just one female action hero allowed, alas.

Though Granny and Skimpy would make a good comedy team ;)

[miss_s_b]

My brain just went YAY LIKE REN AND STIMPY!!!

[missdiane]

*snort*

SO like Ren and Stimpy!

[miss_s_b]

Except we'd eat Powdered Toast Man...

[missdiane]

*sporfle*

Well DUH

[andrewhickey.info]

Depends if we're counting holidays only observed in Foreign. A quick look at my calendar tells me that if we are, then I'm one of:
Weaver Queen's Official Birthday As Celebrated In Western Australia
Weaver Labor Day As Celebrated In The Other Three Quarters Of Australia
Weaver Columbus Day or
Weaver Canadian Thanksgiving

If we're counting holidays that are celebrated in the UK, then if you count religious holidays then I'm Weaver Yom Kippur, otherwise I'm Weaver Hallowe'en.

[pseudomonas]

Yom Kippur's date isn't fixed by Gregorian calendar; if we stick with things that are, I'm Brent World Animal Day. The Brent's not much of a river these days, but Thames is too popular, and further away. "Fleet" or "Tyburn" wouldn't be too bad either.

[yoyoangel]

I want a human to name so I can name them Tyburn!

[pseudomonas]

It's a name I primarily associate with public hangings; I think it'd only really be good for a fictional villain.

[miss_s_b]

Weaver Halloween sounds pretty badass.

[etoile]

English bloke: Bridgewater* Spring Bank.
Love interest: Mismatch, which makes me sound a bit Bond villainy. Fitting.


*Yes, it's a canal but it was either that or "that bit of a stream thing that runs through the park down the road from St Mary's with the name I can't remember"

[miss_s_b]

Well, I could always be Black Beck which is the nearest waterway to where I live, but I think my ethnicity rules that out, sadly.

[strangecharm]

Medlock?

[innerbrat]

As Sensible, Comfy and Black are all rubbish names for a live interest, I guess I'm the Action Girl Thames.

But I'd rather choose the male option, because Thames Valentine is an excellent name.

[miss_s_b]

Thames Valentine is indeed an excellent name.

[el_staplador]

I'm screwed either way. Itchen or Boring.

[davegodfrey]

Brent St George. Which means I'm probably a cheap Saint knock-off played by someone who really wishes they were David Niven.

[miss_s_b]

Or you're the Russ Abbott version thereof (thinking of Basildon Bond here)

[yoyoangel]

If I'm an action hero, I'm Aire, which I rather like (or Aire Christmas if I was a bloke).
If I'm love interest, I'm Boy, I think.

[strangecharm]

<3

[burkesworks]

Just call me Don Mayday.

[http://www.nickbarlow.com/blog/]

I believe that makes me Arrow Summer, so given the similarity of names I suspect that makes me and Mat brothers, which means one of us will be dead by the end of the film to give the other someone to avenge.

[miss_s_b]

Or you'll be bitter rivals, one of you having been unfairly favoured by your parents.

[matgb]

Heh, Holiday=Holy Day, so it's either Dart Birinus, Dart Gregory or Dart Allen Gardiner for me, Dart Summer would just be stupid.

But I'm also fairly sure that there was a river of some sort running through Paignton, built over, but I can't even find a name-Clennon Valley exists, but nothing tells me what the waterway is called that goes through it. Clennon would be a better first name than Dart, right?

[strangecharm]

And the Arrow/Dart naming conventions make me wonder about your parents. Do you have a sister called Dagger or Long Pin?

[pmoodie]

I seem to be CLYDE HOGMANAY, which I think is quite marvellous. :D

[miss_s_b]

Clyde HOgmanay is awesome :)

[missdiane]

IAWTC!

[pmoodie]

Or if we don't think Hogmanay counts as a holiday, I'd have to be Clyde New Year's Day instead, which is a bit of a mouthful.

[gominokouhai]

Humber Pancake?

[missdiane]

This one is just pitifully cute ;)

[magister]

I've decided to use academic terms rather than holidays. In which case, I'm Trent Michaelmas. Off the top of my head, that makes me the younger son of a well respected English family who rebelled against his parents' wishes that he go into the Church. Involved on the fringe of an attempted coup somewhere in Africa, inexpert card sharp, cashiered from the army after something involving the regimental funds, a jeweller's and a goat. Drives a Jag and is found dead 20 minutes in, garotted with his own cravat.

[miss_s_b]

I'm sure you could argue that 29th Sept is close enough to your birthday to count as your closest holiday. I don't want you to be garotted with your own cravat though.

[magister]

Just as well I don't own a cravat then. Should I ever acquire one, it'll be time to start worrying.

[drunkwriter]

Avon Christmas (or I suppose Avon New Year).

I'd rather be a Love Interest, I think. "Optional" is a pretty good name ;)

[ggreig.livejournal.com]

My nearest river would be the Gala Water, and holiday would be the Tattie Holidays. The coolest I can make that sound is Gala October, but there are plenty less desirable combinations.

[telegramsam]

'Chattahoochee'

LAWL.

[strangecharm]

Defining the word "River" loosely enough to actually include the body of moving water very near me, even though it's tiny, would make me Boot.

Otherwise I think I'd have to be Minnesota (possibly Mississippi.

If I'm a Love Interest, I'd have to be called Tatty.