A gentleman prefer'd to my favour

Friday, December 9th, 2016 09:28 am
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[personal profile] the_comfortable_courtesan

I am at my desk the morn, somewhat dolefull from the lack of triangle - for sure there are few enough times when my darlings and I may be thus together during the present whirl of Society – but sure discretion is very necessary does suspicion rest upon my house over some entire different matter.

Hector opens the door and shows in my darling Eliza, that is in disguise as some humble creature that goes selling matters from door to door –

Hot-house fruit, says my dearest, I left the basket in the kitchen, and sure I dare not stay too long, for altho’ your kitchen has a good charitable reputation for providing tea and perchance some snack to those that look chill’d as they go about vending, they would shortly send me upon my way.

She comes put her arms around me as I still sit at my desk, somewhat in a shock.

Dearest of C-s, she says, we quite apprehend’d that your note convey’d some warning, and then this morn comes Mr MacD- somewhat in agitation, to say that has been told by Matt Johnson there is some fear that your house is being watcht and 'tis being gone about to find out if 'tis so –

I give a little smile in spite of myself and say, sure Wellington himself might envy my lines of communication. But – I turn and kiss her – 'tis quite the foolishest matter.

I go open to her the very curious inquisition I underwent concerning Mr W- Y-.

My dearest snorts. As if our darling, that has the very nicest taste in literature, would bother with Mr W- Y-.

I confide, says I, that 'tis suppos’d that a pretty featherwit may hear matter that she quite fails to comprehend, that some knowing fellow will understand the inwardness of. But sure I do not think Mr W- Y- would be about telling me his secrets after I reveal’d to him that I had found out his poetickal theft. And, does a lady witness some very ridiculous scene in which he is pursu’d by a swan, a fellow is like to desist from any suit he makes to her, for gentlemen hate to suppose that any lady considers them a figure of fun, and goes titter upon 'em over the tea-cups.

My love comes sit upon my knee and kisses me. Sure we were all in suspicion about Mr W- Y- before this. But indeed, altho’ Josiah is greatly mind’d to the punching of noses, he knows that 'twould not answer in a delicate situation the like of this.

I sigh. So, says I, we must all be most extreme discreet the while, chaste as ice, pure as snow, preserve the immediate jewel of our souls, in order to confound suspicion. 'Tis most exceeding irksome.

O, says my darling wild girl, and I daresay this – sure I will not deem him gentleman – that spoke to you yesterday, supposes Lady B- to be quite the entirest feather-brain?

I know not how 'tis, says I, but indeed I am like to suppose that he thinks that.

My darling kisses me upon the nose very fond. Also I daresay he has no apprehension in general concerning the wits of women.

Indeed not, says I. I daresay he cleaves to the opinion of Lord Chesterfield that they are merely children of a larger growth.

My love finds this thought most amuzing, but then makes a determin’d face, rises from my lap, and says, tho’ she would very much wish to stay, if only to exchange gossip - she hears Lady Z- was lately brought to bed of a fine daughter, and that yestere’en Mr H-'s carriage was seen outside Sir B- W-'s door – she had better be off.

We kiss very warm, and I give her some several kisses to convey to Josiah, and she departs.

I bury my head in my hands, but sure, we are, I am very much like to confide, entire beforehand of Sir R- O-. But I am in some concern that Mr W- Y- is an unknown quantity in the matter that may yet disturb our calculations.

'Tis an afternoon when I should be about going to a meeting of the orphanage ladies, but as I confide that Lady J- will be among 'em with her powers entire refresht and ready to get 'em well under hand, I am like to suppose that matters are unlike to gang aft agley do I cut, and remain at home, reading by my own fireside and eating the very excellent hothouse grapes that my darling brought the morn in service to her masquerade. 'Tis most extreme agreeable, and Pounce curls up upon my lap, and Dandy lyes across my feet, and I am in the enjoyment of a spell of lazyness such as I seldom have these days.

Comes Hector with a card upon a tray, and says, is My Ladyship at home? 'Tis Lady T- at the door.

I ope my eyes very wide – sure of any callers I might have expect’d, she was most unlikely – and then go remove my feet from under Dandy, lift Pounce from my lap, put down my book, and say, indeed I am at home to Her Ladyship. And please desire tea from Euphemia in the best china.

Hector nods, and comes in Lady T-. I go across the room to greet her, make my curtesy, and convey her into the most comfortable chair.

I know, says she, this is not your afternoon for being at home to callers, but I took the chance that you might not have gone out.

O, says I, there has been such a frenzie of matters lately that I took the opportunity to be idle for a little.

She glances at the book that lyes upon the table beside me, and seeing that 'tis An essay on the natural history of Guiana, says sure she did not expect to find me recreating myself with such a volume.

O, says I, the Marquess of O- has quite the finest collection of works upon the southern Americas and the West Indies (I do not say that I read in hopes of finding somewhat towards a horrid tale or Gothick novel) and has very kindly give me the run of his library.

Comes Celeste with the best tea in the best tea-set, and some exceeding elegant biscuits.

I go pour out as Lady T- says that of course, she hearkens not to those who describe Lady B- as a pretty feather-wit, but did not expect to find me in such deep studies.

I stick out my foot and look at my ankle and say, sure my stockings are still not blue, but I endeavour improve my mind.

This surprizes a laugh from Lady T-.

But indeed, she says, sure I feel myself quite the lady of learning, for I have had a most exceeding civil letter from the Keeper at the British Museum thanking me for presenting a copy of my book.

I am pleas’d to hear it, says I.

And, dear Lady B-, you were of such inestimable assistance to me in bringing the matter to its conclusion I should desire to make you a little gift - she draws a package out of her reticule – I collect how very highly you prais’d this piece when examining my china collection –

'Tis the exquisite Chinese porcelain bowl, that indeed I had some covetousness in my heart concerning.

I cast down my eyes and say, sure Lady T- has never had occasion to hear of the origins of Lady B-'s collection of fine china; 'tis not an edifying tale.

Well, says Lady T- in positively robust tones, one has heard that gentleman that wisht gain favour with Madame C- C- were wont make offerings of china, and her taste in the matter was consider’d most exquisite, but sure, Lady B-, you have such excellent feeling for china, seems a great pity you should not increase your collection.

I am somewhat struck dumb. I look over to my china cabinet. I then mind me that, do I go have more bookshelves put in, 'twould not be unfitting to have some shelves glasst and set aside for new china, and there would be a distinction, so that perchance the general would not suppose that a new piece in Lady B-'s collection signify’d some new favourite.

Why, Lady T-, says I, you present the idea to me so very kind and thoughtfull that indeed I cannot refuse. And this piece is so entire exquisite -

I go wrap it up again and place it in my desk, until I have some place it may fitly be display’d where the cats will not get at it.

Tho’ indeed, says Lady T-, putting down the biscuit she nibbles upon and casting down her eyes, there is a gentlemen I would prefer to your favour –

I sit down and say, indeed?

- o, she continues, I may be his mother but I know he is somewhat of what schoolboys call a muff: yet I think that a lady such as you – that may not be a bluestocking but has a deal of mother-wit – could do him a deal of good.

You mean Lord K-? says I. Alas, I confide he considers me a light-mind’d creature, and does not show any inclination towards me – for I cannot deny, I have a deal of experience in telling whether a fellow does or no. Sure I am quite entire honour’d that you should consider me for the position of daughter-in-law, but I am like to suppose that you would be in hopes of grandchildren, and from certain matters communicat’d to me in consultation with the profession, I am given to understand that increase would be unlikely. (O, I daresay I could get with child once more, but after my ordeal bringing forth my belov’d bundle Flora, should not care take the risque).

She pats my hand.

But, says I, indeed I will look about me for some lady that perchance might better suit (tho’ knowing of his patronage of Mrs O'C-, I am not in very great hopes).

[syndicated profile] speculumannorum_feed


I was going to say something about not having had chocolate like this since leaving Sydney (oh, #ralphscafe I miss you so), but instead I have to declare that I didn’t NOTICE the design on the tray when I took it. Really. http://ift.tt/2fhtXMB

Blue at the Mizzen - Chapter Eight- Jack and Stephen

Friday, December 9th, 2016 09:47 am
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[personal profile] esteven posting in [community profile] mandc_read
A quite human, even intelligent Stephen and a conciliating Jack.  All the Jack& Stephen squee belongs here.
esteven: (Default)
[personal profile] esteven posting in [community profile] mandc_read
Deaths and promotions, old friends and new rivals
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[personal profile] esteven posting in [community profile] mandc_read
Chilean pines, Economical Rats of Kamschatka, Lisbon packets bought and sold. Feel free to add to this post.

Full Fathom Five by Max Gladstone

Friday, December 9th, 2016 08:00 am
[syndicated profile] strangehorizons_feed

Posted by Foz Meadows

fullfathomfivemaxgladstoneThe third volume in Max Gladstone's ongoing Craft Sequence, Full Fathom Five is set sequentially after Three Parts Dead (2012) and Two Serpents Rise (2013); but despite featuring characters who've appeared in both previous volumes, it can nonetheless be read as a standalone story—as, indeed, can the other two books.

On the island of Kavenaka—a setting evocative of modern Hawaii, right down to the golfing tourists in loud floral shirts—Kai is a priest responsible for the building and maintenance of idols: custom-made repositories for the soulstuff of their clients in a world where faith is, quite literally, currency. But when her attempt to save a failing idol earns her rebuke instead of praise, she stubbornly sets about investigating why and, in the process, crosses paths with Izza, a street-smart urchin whose tales of make-believe gods might be more than they seem. Throw in Edmund Margot, a mainlander poet searching for his muse; Cat, a runaway priestess; and Teo, an entrepreneurial pilgrim with a secret agenda, and Kai's view of Kavekana will never be the same again.

Of Gladstone's first three novels, Full Fathom Five is far and away the strongest. Which isn't to say the previous volumes are weak (though I'll admit to having struggled with Two Serpents Rise)—it's just that the world of the Craft is so uniquely complex that, one suspects, even its creator needed a couple of novels to get the hang of it. Gladstone writes with a distinctive narrative flair that feels both emblematic of and appropriate to a setting where the trappings of the modern world—skyscrapers, business suits, coffee shops, offices, law firms—exist alongside deathless kings and ritual sacrifice, nightmare telegraphs and Craft magic. The seeming contradictions of this arrangement are part of the series' appeal: it's the poetry of Gladstone's writing that successfully marries the two, making it somewhat difficult to disentangle style from structure. Consider, for instance, this passage from page twenty-six, where Kai is called to account for her apparent role in the death of the idol:

Kai met the Craftswoman a week later in a nightmare of glass. She sat in a glass chair in front of a glass table and her fingers trailed over slick armrests without leaving a trace of oil or sweat. In one corner a glass fern stood in a glass pot, glass roots winding through glass soil. Other identical rooms stretched above, below, and to all sides, beyond transparent walls, ceiling, and floor, and in those rooms sat identical Kais and Craftswomen. As Kai crossed her legs beneath the table her infinite other selves crossed their legs, too, a susurrus of stockings breaking the silence of the dream.

In the distant waking world, she lay bandaged on a bed. Here, no injuries bound her except the ones she earned herself.

It's an extraordinary image, one of many such that appear through Gladstone's work. There's a conceptual density to these ideas that reminds me of China Miéville, and specifically of Perdido Street Station (2000), where half the point of the novel is the setting. Taking the concept further, Joss Whedon once described the titular spaceship of his cult show, Firefly, as being the “tenth character” of the series, and I'd argue that this particular idea—of location as character—is applicable to both Miéville and Gladstone's work. Which is why, returning to the point, it's so difficult—arguably impossible—to disentangle Gladstone's technical style from the substance of the story. The world of the Craft is built on fusion of myth and mathematics, allegory and alchemy, finance and faith, and as such, there's no way to understand or articulate the logic of the worldbuilding that doesn't, at least in part, depend on poetry.

Though Full Fathom Five can serve as a stand-alone novel, it's helpful to consider it in the context of the series. If Three Parts Dead had a flaw, it was a slight overabundance of plot at the expense of character history: we're given so much necessary information about the setting to help us understand the key mystery that Tara's backstory comes out feeling, by comparison, rushed and a little cramped. Nonetheless, it's an engaging, compelling, powerful first novel, and I love it fiercely. Two Serpents Rise, by contrast, seemed to have the opposite problem: an unnecessarily high percentage of freestanding, worldbuilding concepts crowding out the plot. This is, I suspect, largely because the central relationship dynamic between Caleb, son of a renegade priest, and Mal, the appropriately mysterious-and-beautiful woman he falls for, never really changes: we, like Caleb's friends and colleagues, spend the entire novel being rightfully suspicious of Mal, and as those suspicions are ultimately validated, it's easy to wonder why it took so long to get there, when nothing we learn ever really makes us trust her.

There was, meanwhile, some ferociously strong poetry in Two Serpents Rise, and a slew of fascinating images and concepts, but it's also the only book of the three (or of these three, rather—Gladstone has since written two more volumes, Last First Snow (2015) and Four Roads Cross (2016), both of which I’m yet to read) to stick more or less exclusively to a single protagonist, Caleb, which made me yearn for a stronger link between his personal arc and the worldbuilding. Which complaint, again, circles back to the issue of Mal's treachery: even though she's never really trustworthy, we're kept from seeing her POV until the very end, the better to present the confirmation as a reveal. Narratively, it was a sensible decision, but structurally, it's a weakness; from the outset, Caleb is almost claustrophobically obsessed with Mal, and not only is that a dynamic we've seen countless times before—the isolated everyman captivated by a powerful, inaccessible woman—but as the reader never quite shares his fascination, neither can we share his faith in her, which rather spoils the idea that her mystery is anything other than a trap.

But Full Fathom Five, having learned from these previous books, is the perfect balance of them both. Kavekana is an intriguing setting, and as the narrative switches between, primarily, Kai and Izza's perspectives—and as each character has a decidedly different relationship to the island—we end up learning the world and its contradictions in parallel to learning the characters. And they're original, compelling characters, too: Kai is, by Western reckoning, a trans woman, dedicated to her job and, despite spending most of the book recovering from injuries sustained in the first chapter, absolutely tenacious in hunting down the truth, while Izza is quick and complicated—a compelling, not-quite-childish mix of empathy and selfishness.

Interestingly, though Gladstone writes all his characters well, I can't quite shake the feeling that he writes women better than men. Or maybe it's just that, after so many years of exposure to male-dominated narratives, there's a base level of familiarity to straight male characters that their female counterparts, by dint of having gone so long unwritten, lack: though Gladstone writes them skilfully and in highly original contexts—and while I appreciate the diversity in his casts—I nonetheless feel as though I've seen Abelard, Caleb, Temoc, Jace, Claude, and Margot before, while Tara and Teo, Cat and Kai, Izza and Elayne, and even Mal are closer to being unknown quantities.

Full Fathom Five is a confident, complex, skilfully written book, and one that demonstrates Gladstone's rapid evolution as a writer. I've already heard good things about the fourth instalment in the Craft Sequence, Last First Snow—which, in a break of pattern, acts as a prequel volume to the other three—and am eager to read it. But whether you're looking for an entry point into the series or are eager to continue it, Full Fathom Five is bound to make for an excellent, satisfying read, and I strongly recommend it.


Blue tit

Friday, December 9th, 2016 08:14 am
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[personal profile] nanila posting in [community profile] common_nature
Blue tit

Winter's nearly here in the UK Midlands. Heralding its impending arrival are the flocks of adorable little floofy birds that frequent our feeders. :)

(no subject)

Thursday, December 8th, 2016 01:30 am
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
The Famous Actress Who Loved Playing A Rooster

Scientists develop robotic hand for people with quadriplegia

Chap Records Were Basically Yelp for 1900s Eligible Bachelorettes

A Brief History of Children Sent Through the Mail

Watch Hermit Crabs Crawl Into Glistening Mini New Yorks and Bangkoks

The Imperial March Played on a Coffee Stick

Queen Elizabeth I’s Vast Spy Network Was The First Surveillance State

Brains of people with autism spectrum disorder share similar molecular abnormalities (Well, duh.)

How true this is....

Remembrance of tastes past: Syria’s disappearing food culture

Adults shamed from speaking indigenous languages hold key to revival, survival

Honey bee teenagers speed up the aging process of their elders

A trend story about millennials, by The New York Times (LMAO.)

“BRAAAM!”: The Sound that Invaded the Hollywood Soundtrack

Stay or go? Tribe gives conflicting messages to protest camp

Dorothea Lange’s Censored Photographs of FDR’s Japanese Concentration Camps

As Fake News Spreads Lies, More Readers Shrug at the Truth

The Remedy for the Spread of Fake News? History Teachers

Ties between Russia and the Taliban worry Afghan, U.S. officials

Resurgent Japan military 'can stand toe to toe with anybody'

Venus Flytraps Need Protection From Poachers in North Carolina

How Iran closed the Mosul 'horseshoe' and changed Iraq war

US life expectancy falls, as many kinds of death increase

Scientists and environmentalists are bracing for a clash with Trump

Major survey of transgender Americans finds pervasive bias More links at MetaFilter

The true story of America’s sky-high prescription drug prices

NYC runner's killing puts a DNA technique under a microscope

Risking Beijing's ire, Vietnam begins dredging on South China Sea reef

Torture in secret prisons: The dark side of China's anti-corruption crackdown

The Soccer-Star Refugees of Eritrea

Crackdown in Turkey Threatens a Haven of Gender Equality Built by Kurds

Yazidi leader seeks protection for community after genocide

UN criticises Israel settlement law that would legalise 4,000 West Bank homes

Climate change is already causing widespread local extinction in plant and animal species

Giraffes suffer 'silent extinction' in Africa: Red List report

Undertaker misery on frontlines of Philippine drug war

Just One Thing (09 December 2016)

Friday, December 9th, 2016 07:59 am
nanila: YAY (me: abby)
[personal profile] nanila posting in [community profile] awesomeers
It's challenge time!

Comment with Just One Thing you've accomplished in the last 24 hours or so. It doesn't have to be a hard thing, or even a thing that you think is particularly awesome. Just a thing that you did.

Feel free to share more than one thing if you're feeling particularly accomplished!

Extra credit: find someone in the comments and give them props for what they achieved!

Nothing is too big, too small, too strange or too cryptic. And in case you'd rather do this in private, anonymous comments are screened. I will only unscreen if you ask me to.

Go!

Westworld: post-season 1 dissection

Thursday, December 8th, 2016 12:18 pm
[syndicated profile] den_of_geek_feed

Posted by louisamellor

The violent delights of Westworld have come to an end, for now. Spoilers ahead as we look back and ask what's to come...

Feature
Dec 9, 2016

New verses in "The Sharpest Dose of Reality"

Friday, December 9th, 2016 12:56 am
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
Thanks to a donation from [personal profile] alatefeline, there are 12 new verses in "The Sharpest Dose of Reality."  Pain's Gray and Shiv have a sparring match.  It does not go as well as hoped.

Pitch 1.10 "Don't Say It"

Thursday, December 8th, 2016 10:56 pm
alethia: (TV)
[personal profile] alethia
Pitch 1.10 Don't Say It )

I hope it gets a season 2!

Good news, everyone!

Friday, December 9th, 2016 05:56 am
[syndicated profile] yuletide_admin_feed

Posted by morbane

Current assignment status


Thanks to a lot of work, mainly from AO3 staff, your assignments have been restored. You may notice some anomalies.
  • Please check that your assignment is the same as it was before. If it is not, please email the mods immediately, and when you do, please see if you can forward your initial assignment email to help us fix this as soon as possible.

  • In particular, defaults and pinch hits were fixed manually, so if one of your claimed pinch hits is missing, or if you still have an assignment that you had defaulted on, please email yuletideadmin@gmail.com right away.

  • If you had already posted your assignment, it may not show as Fulfilled. It’s in the collection - you don’t need to re-post the whole fic. We do ask you to edit your story (look for it in Works then Works in Collections, or on your Stats page). In the editing mode, tick the box that says it fulfils your challenge assignment, then save. Please contact the mods if you are not sure how to do this. Please check it over after saving and check that it shows as Fulfilled on your assignment page after you have done this.


You should now be able to post or default as if the purge had not happened.


How this happened
When assigning a pinch hit, I misclicked on the Purge All Assignments button.

AO3 Support, ADT, and Systems staff, especially james, CJ, and astolat, worked hard to retrieve the assignments for us from a back-up and set them up. We then tweaked them in according to our own records of pinch hits and defaults.

Thank you from me to Jenn_Calaelen and hhertzof, and thank you from all of us to those who have helped to fix this problem, and to those who have posted comments in support of the mod team’s and AO3 staff’s ongoing work.


Here’s hoping that further Yuletide 2016 excitement is only of the “yay, I got a fantastic gift” kind. Also the “omg, is that a deadline?” kind, but preferably before the deadline occurs...

The default deadline (deadline for defaulting on your assignment with no, or only minor, penalties) is still 9am UTC, December 11 - that’s in just two days, so please take note of it if you are thinking of defaulting.

In the Yuletide IRC chat, we have the following outstanding beta requests: Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell (TV), 27k; Trails of Cold Steel, 13k; Dangan Ronpa 3, 10k. Please either sign in and talk to a hippo, or email the mods, if you can help look over any of these!

The beta readers post also has some outstanding beta requests posted in the comments: Silicon Valley, Tomb Raider, Matthew Swift, and Akatsuki no Yona.

signal boost: poem about neurodivergence

Thursday, December 8th, 2016 10:06 pm
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
I found this poem to be excellent, though short, with vivid imagery.

Content Note: Contains reflections on the difficulties of coping with neurodivergence and ableism.

http://www.sunbowpublications.com/2016/12/08/neurodivergence/

Good news, everyone!

Friday, December 9th, 2016 06:52 pm
morbane: uletide mod image of guinea pig among daisies (mod)
[personal profile] morbane posting in [community profile] yuletide_admin
Current assignment status


Thanks to a lot of work, mainly from AO3 staff, your assignments have been restored. You may notice some anomalies.
  • Please check that your assignment is the same as it was before. If it is not, please email the mods immediately, and when you do, please see if you can forward your initial assignment email to help us fix this as soon as possible.

  • In particular, defaults and pinch hits were fixed manually, so if one of your claimed pinch hits is missing, or if you still have an assignment that you had defaulted on, please email yuletideadmin@gmail.com right away.

  • If you had already posted your assignment, it may not show as Fulfilled. It’s in the collection - you don’t need to re-post the whole fic. We do ask you to edit your story (look for it in Works then Works in Collections, or on your Stats page). In the editing mode, tick the box that says it fulfils your challenge assignment, then save. Please contact the mods if you are not sure how to do this. Please check it over after saving and check that it shows as Fulfilled on your assignment page after you have done this.


You should now be able to post or default as if the purge had not happened.


How this happened
When assigning a pinch hit, I misclicked on the Purge All Assignments button.

AO3 Support, ADT, and Systems staff, especially james, CJ, and astolat, worked hard to retrieve the assignments for us from a back-up and set them up. We then tweaked them in according to our own records of pinch hits and defaults.

Thank you from me to Jenn_Calaelen and hhertzof, and thank you from all of us to those who have helped to fix this problem, and to those who have posted comments in support of the mod team’s and AO3 staff’s ongoing work.


Here’s hoping that further Yuletide 2016 excitement is only of the “yay, I got a fantastic gift” kind. Also the “omg, is that a deadline?” kind, but preferably before the deadline occurs...

The default deadline (deadline for defaulting on your assignment with no, or only minor, penalties) is still 9am UTC, December 11 - that’s in just two days, so please take note of it if you are thinking of defaulting.

In the Yuletide IRC chat, we have the following outstanding beta requests: Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell (TV), 27k; Trails of Cold Steel, 13k; Dangan Ronpa 3, 10k. Please either sign in and talk to a hippo, or email the mods, if you can help look over any of these!

The beta readers post also has some outstanding beta requests posted in the comments: Silicon Valley, Tomb Raider, Matthew Swift, and Akatsuki no Yona.

(no subject)

Thursday, December 8th, 2016 09:43 pm
staranise: A blue butterfly on a black background, faintly backlit. ([personal] A certain shape of light)
[personal profile] staranise
I had a meeting with a potential supervisor yesterday. It was... different than a lot of the interviews I've had lately? Rather than answering a job posting, I got a list through a professional association of registered psychologists willing to supervise provisionals--I thought I might as well get my supervision plan so I can be registered, even if I don't get a full job. And getting a supervisor involves you paying them--it's not precisely an employer/employee relationship, or if it is it goes two ways.

So one big change already was that it wasn't really like a test of my worthiness or a performance on my part--it was a business meeting where we tried to communicate what we were looking for and what we needed, to see if we could provide that for each other. And then it turned out she was offering a job, or more like the office space and support to begin building my own client base. Not a guaranteed income, but... help and permission to get one.

It was so weird to be back in the land of therapists, talking as a therapist, trying to express myself again. I didn't know what to say, was hesitant and quiet, struggled to express myself. I'm so out of the habits of that entire way of thought and behaviour. I felt like... an invalid, frail and weak, out of the sickbed. I felt like Cazaril begging the Provincara dy Baocia for a job. And as we talked I also felt cobwebs being swept out of my brain.

The truth is that the last three years, the last two jobs, to have some extent brutalized me. In both the foster home and the shelter I feel that I'm asked to do things with my clients that are ineffective or harmful--I think our entire interview framework at the shelter has poor ideological underpinning and risks needlessly retraumatizing our clients--while creating situations that actively discourage us from meaningful work (being busy and understaffed) or make meaningful work dangerous (a three-week stay and limited outreach). So like the foster home, I came into the shelter with all these keen senses and nuanced understandings, and have had them repeatedly stifled, offended, and thwarted due to an inability to choose my own work and pursue the best circumstances to do it under.

(I mean, it has given me an unparalleled understanding of what can go wrong in the helping industry and a frankly too-visceral-for-my-liking understanding of the abuse of institutionalized people by their caregivers, which have informed my worldview immensely and will benefit me a great deal; but oy, the price I paid for them...!)

So when I was talking with this supervisor I went out of her way to let her know things I might have concealed in a job interview, like "I have ADHD and struggle immensely with organization and structure and if I'm struggling I'll probably avoid you, so we can't work together if you're going to get frustrated by that or can't support me in those areas" and also let her know I'm seeing another potential supervisor next week. She was kind of confused--"Would you work here and there? Do you really feel an unpaid position would contribute to your resume that much?"--and I didn't find a non-awkward way to ask, "So, are you taking me on then?" Because I feel so slaveringly desperate for this chance, and so discouraged--I'm always waiting to hear that I didn't make the cut. And it feels like revealing that will make her go, "On second thought, I've changed my mind about you."

If I can think of a non-awkward way to ask before our scheduled check-in a week from now I will, because next week's supervisor was very upfront about not being able to offer paying work, and operating a volunteer program through a walk-in single-session free counselling agency, which sounds... less than ideal.

Read "The Sharpest Dose of Reality"

Thursday, December 8th, 2016 11:02 pm
ysabetwordsmith: Damask smiling over their shoulder (polychrome)
[personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
"The Sharpest Dose of Reality" is now open for microfunding. Pain's Gray and Shiv are going to play together!  Won't this be fun?

About This Blog

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Hello! I'm Jennie (known to many as SB, due to my handle, or The Yorksher Gob because of my old blog's name). This blog is my public face; click here for a list of all the other places you can find me on t'interwebs.






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The Survivors' Trust - donate here
DogsTrust - donate here
CAB - donate here

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Miss SB by Jennie Rigg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.0 UK: England & Wales License.
Based on a work at miss-s-b.dreamwidth.org.

Please note that any and all opinions expressed in this blog are subject to random change at whim my own, and not necessarily representative of my party, or any of the constituent parts thereof (except myself, obviously).

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