Automated Attack Monkeys, Scalpel Mines, & Acid

Last night I asked the internets whether they would rather I did a post about self-harm, or one about the coalition government. Predictably, the consensus was both, so I'm going to do the more difficult one first, and hope that once it's done I still have the energy to do the other.

I suppose the reason I am posting this is to try and illustrate that people who self harm are not dangerous freaks - at least, not dangerous to others - and that people who perhaps you wouldn't expect to be are self-harmers. For a long time I didn't categorise myself as a self-harmer. I don't cut myself, I never have. I don't carve words into my arm. Therefore I'm not a self-harmer. Of course, that's bollocks. What I do is, I scratch. If it all starts getting too much, if the anxiety and depression start to become overwhelming, I scratch. This is one of the reasons I keep my nails short. I tell people that it's for karate, to form a fist properly, or for climbing, but really it's to minimise the damage I can cause myself.

The standard harm I do is to attack my scalp. I know it's my brain causing the problem, so I try to tear off the skin covering it so I can get to it, poke it, and tell it to stop. A couple of weeks ago I had the fantastic idea of cutting my hair really really short to stop myself doing this: I don't want anyone to see the injuries, so if I have a #1 cut I will have to leave my scalp alone. This will stop me from reacting to stress by scratching, right? Well, no. You should see the state of my thigh right now.

The perception of self-harm is that it's a manipulative cry for attention; in my experience it's not. I never scratch anywhere I can't cover it up, and if someone does notice the injury I always have an excuse ready as to how it can have happened. Nor is it an attempt at suicide; if anything, it's the opposite. It's a coping mechanism, and it WORKS. If it didn't work, then I wouldn't do it. Other coping mechanisms do not give the same level of relief.

In my saner moments I realise that it doesn't help; that I'm internalising the anger I feel at how my life and my situation are so totally outside my control. But that doesn't stop me from doing it. I know that I am loved, and that the people who love me don't want to see me in pain. This doesn't stop me from doing it either. I don't know what would.

I don't have a satisfactory conclusion for this entry, either. But somehow, that seems appropriate...

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