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Yesterday was... Interesting.
  • I completely unintentionally pissed off several people
  • I had blazing rows with several other people
  • The landlord of my house came round to fix the boiler in the morning before I was properly awake and saw the shameful state of the house
  • I had a long and busy shift at work being festive with beer, and having to be pleasant to people I did not want to be pleasant to
  • I spent most of the day keyed up and hoping for Mat to get this job which we have been foolishly pinning all our hopes on for ages... and he didn't get it.
By the time I got home last night, then, I was completely wiped out, demoralised, and wondering what the point of it all is.

This morning, the radio switched itself on as usual, and I was amused by listening to Harperson squirming on the Today programme. I dozed for a bit and then Woman's Hour came on... And it was a special prog all dedicated to families falling out. And it reminded me how lucky I am. I sill have both my parents, and they are still together, and they haven't disowned me. I get on with both my brothers (just got a text from one of them wishing me happy Jedi Day LOL). I get on with the father of my child, even though we're not together any more. My child is happy and healthy and intelligent. And I have some truly amazing friends. There's a lot of you reading this who are not blood relations, who might not even be on the same continent, but I think of you as family.

And I have Mat. I know that there are various people who think that Mat is not good enough for me because he's not incredibly rich and keeping me in the manner to which I would like to become accustomed. But you know what? That's really not important. I don't mind being the main wage earner in this family. Truth be told, I quite like it. I always HATED being dependent on Ian, and now I am (mostly, if shakily) standing on my own two financial feet. What Mat provides that is more important than money is the kind of emotional support I never thought possible. My brain is full of interesting little kinks and corners, and he doesn't judge me for any of it. He just holds me and cares while I am working them through. After several years of various people trying to persuade me to go to the doctor about my mental health (and yes, Rosalind and Judith, I probably should have listened sooner) he was the one who succeeded in persuading me, and held my hand while I was in there, and prompted me to speak when all I wanted to do was stare at my shoes and cry. He copes, and helps me to cope, when I have a panic attack. He's a voice of calm reason when I am going off on a rant. He gives the best backrubs in the world. And he does amazing baking.

Yes, most of the time I wish we had a bit more money and a lot less stress. But we have each other, and that's worth more than any money.

So, yes, thank you Woman's Hour for reminding me how lucky I am. I have a fabulous support network. I have remembered that there is a point to it all. And I think I'm going to be OK.

Today is going to be a day of catching up. Tomorrow, I eBay. That will give us a little financial cushion, hopefully. And bit by bit, we'll get there.

About This Blog

Hello! I'm Jennie (known to many as SB, due to my handle, or The Yorksher Gob because of my old blog's name). This blog is my public face; click here for a list of all the other places you can find me on t'interwebs.







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