On Friday I started having a pain where my ovary used to be. On Saturday my boss made me promise that if it was still hurting on Monday I would go see the doctor. Yesterday I went to see the doctor. He asked me lots of questions and poked and prodded at me and did a urine test and gave me some pills (probably made of suckrose and ackwah) and told me if it still hurt in 48 hours to come back.
This morning he rang me up and said he'd been thinking and wanted me to come back in. So I went back in and he poked and prodded again and asked exactly the same questions he asked yesterday and then said he wasn't sure what it was, and he'd swear it was ovarian but there's no ovary there, and it might be this really rare type of hernia, and I'd better go to the hospital for more tests.
So I went to the hospital. And after the nurse did paperwork and blood pressure a doctor came (she was quite fanciable, and commented favourably on my shoes) and did EXACTLY the same poking and prodding and questions as my doctor had done, took some blood, and then sent me for an x-ray. The x ray ladies liked my shoes too. I was wearing my Vibram Fivefingers.
After the x ray I sat in the waiting room for three hours watching challenge TV.
Eventually the cute doctor came back, bringing a registrar with her, and he poked and prodded and asked exactly the same questions as the cute doctor and my own doctor had both already asked me. Then he said that he couldn't feel a hernia, and that it seemed like something ovarian to him. At which point I pointed out that both ovary and fallopian tube had been removed from that side, so it couldn't be.
So, given the tests I have already had: there's nothing shown up in a urine test, nothing in the blood tests, and nothing on the x rays. Which means cancer is unlikely because they look for cancer markers in the blood, the surgeon who took my ovary out didn't leave her rolex in there because that would have shown up on the x ray, and I haven't got a bladder infection. So what do you reckon I have got, dear reader?
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What terrible fate has befallen our beloved author?