Automated Attack Monkeys, Scalpel Mines, & Acid

Today I went to the funeral of my friend, and local community giant, Trevor Lever. Trevor was an amazing man, and this was amply demonstrated by the number of people who turned up to say bye to him; not just standing room only, but they couldn't even jam everybody in with most of us standing. My mum knew Trevor from when they were both little, and there were some tears this afternoon.

The other thing there was this afternoon, as is usual when there's a funeral, was discussion of what we all want for our own funerals when we go. Obviously everyone should have the right to say what kind of a funeral they would like. Religious folks are massively comforted by all the prayers and hymns and stuff; conversely, non-religious people kind find a lot of comfort in a humanist service. My mum wants a christian burial; my dad definitely doesn't. So I thought I'd take this opportunity to put in writing what I want, if I should go anytime soon:

• I don't want some creepy old twat of a vicar who's never met me pretending like he was my best mate in front of people who actually WERE.


• I don't want a vicar at all. No religion whatsoever. A Jesus-free zone. Although I would make an exception for this guy.


• I'd like a cherry tree planting somewhere for my ashes to be scattered around/under.


• I definitely do not want to stipulate a dress code. If people want the full mourning black, that's fine. Equally, if people want to dress like a monster raving loony at an election count, that's equally fine.


• Assuming I go before my cousin Rosalind, I would like there to be a reading of Jerusalem, so she can interject ("And did those feet, in ancient time, walk upon England's mountains green" No, they bloody didn't! "And was the holy lamb of God in England's pleasant pastures seen" Was it bollocks!) - there is actually a reasonable amount of historical debate about this, but Rosalind feels strongly about it and I feel her views would be entertaining.


• Musical Stipulations
  1. when I go through the curtain to the flames (crackle crackle crackle) I would like the song See You Later Alligator to be played.
  2. No Cliff Richard. I mean it. Even a sniff of Cliff Richard and I shall come back and haunt you all with rattling chains and the whole works.
  3. Similarly, no dirgey miserable hymns. But there does need to be something everyone can sing along to at some point. We Are the Champions? ETA: I like Nick's suggestion below of always look on the bright side of life, actually. And Douglas at work suggests Highway To Hell, which might be fun.


• No flowers. Collection to go to DogsTrust.


• Somewhere in a speech someone needs to mention Sure, she's dead, but look on the bright side: it's party time for all the little worms!


• Huge piss-up afterwards. And everybody has to have at least a little bit of a nice blonde real ale - something like Abbeydale Moonshine. You know how everybody has to have fizzy piss champagne at weddings? Well everybody's having proper beer at my funeral

I think that's all the important stuff. What would you lot specify for your leaving do?