miss_s_b: (Feminist Heroes: Kate Beckett)
[personal profile] miss_s_b
So Charles Saachi is divorcing Nigella Lawson because she hasn't come forward to defend him after he was photographed violently assaulting her in public1. How does he let her know he is divorcing her? By printing an article in the Fail on Sunday.

If Charles Saachi wants to stop people speculating that he is a domestic abuser, this is REALLY not the way to go about it. I haven't read the article in the Fail because I refuse to give them my clicks, but just the extracts in the Torygraph2 article linked above reek of the sort of entitled and manipulative mindset typical of the abuser.

I am disappointed that she was advised to make no public comment to explain that I abhor violence of any kind against women, and have never abused her physically in any way. - is clearly meant to imply that he has never abused her, but doesn't actually SAY that. It says he's sad that she's been advised not to say that he hasn't abused her. That could quite easily be read as he HAS abused her but he wants her to say that he hasn't so he can keep on doing it - either to her, or to other ladies - and keep his reputation. If he is not an abuser, as he maintains he isn't, he possibly ought to have worded this differently.

could equally have been Nigella grasping my neck to hold my attention – as indeed she has done in the past - now is NOT the time to start casting nasty innuendo about how Nigella was just as bad as you, Charles, it's really not. That's manipulative. That's trying to make yourself a figure of sympathy when you've been caught in public doing something very wrong. You know who else does stuff like that, Charles? Abusers.

our love was very deep, but in the last year we have become estranged and drifted apart - this is a big change from what you were saying a few days ago. And your story keeps changing, from "playful tiff" to "I was wiping her nose" to "oh all right I'll accept a caution". This looks like the behaviour of an abuser who is fishing to see what people will accept as excuses. If you're not an abuser, Charles, why are you doing what they do? Why are you using the same tactics? Don't you realise that by using and legitimising the tactics of abusers you are making those tactics just that tiny bit more acceptable for ACTUAL abusers to use?

Despite the circumstances of it coming about (in the MAIL ON SUNDAY, Charles? What were you THINKING?) I am actually reasonably glad this divorce is happening. Clearly the relationship is beyond salvage and the press vultures (fed by one party) are loving it, but a divorce will be over at some point, whereas a continuing "troubled marriage" would just be fodder for the vultures for the foreseeable future.

I just hope that Charles Saachi isn't lying, and that he really isn't an abuser. Because if he were an abuser, the classic response of a victim would be for Nigella to go back to him, to beg him not to divorce her, to apologise and say she can change and she didn't mean to show him up in public and she's sorry and it'll never happen again and she loves him and oh please, she can change... And I don't want to think of Nigella doing that, because I've done that, and it's not dignified and it doesn't help either the abuser or the victim.

1 I can say this without fear of being suedbecause he's accepted a police caution for it, and that necessarily includes an admission of guilt.
1 You might think it's strange that I'm happy to give my clicks to the Torygraph but not the Fail - well, it's quite simple. The Torygraph doesn't try to pretend it's anything other than what it is.

Date: Sunday, July 7th, 2013 09:56 am (UTC)
missdiane: (Janeway is queen)
From: [personal profile] missdiane
I SO hope she just lets the divorce happen. That guy is SUCH an abuser tool

Date: Sunday, July 7th, 2013 10:22 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] sassy_scot
That statement is dripping with passive aggressive manipulation. He clearly doesn't recognise that Nigella was doing him a favour by getting her PR involved.

I feel so much for her.

Date: Sunday, July 7th, 2013 10:24 am (UTC)
hollymath: (Default)
From: [personal profile] hollymath
Yeah, I thought it was absolutely extraordinary when I heard about this on the radio. I expected the reason given for the divorce to be something about irreconcilable differences, not "because she won't tell everyone that I don't abuse her." I mean, I'm not surprised that's a problem for him, but it's amazing that he'd say so publicly -- that he apparently thinks this does anything other than make people think about how manipulative he seems, and how miserable it would be to be in a relationship with someone who thinks this kind of thing is acceptable to ask of his wife.

Date: Sunday, July 7th, 2013 11:06 am (UTC)
lilacsigil: 12 Apostles rocks, text "Rock On" (12 Apostles)
From: [personal profile] lilacsigil
Wow, I find it really hard to imagine the thought process that made him think this was a good idea. I mean, I can understand him being angry that his victim won't defend him in public, but you would have to be incredibly self-centred and confident not just that you were right but that everyone else would see you as right, also. Even after a police caution.

Date: Sunday, July 7th, 2013 11:34 am (UTC)
haggis: (Default)
From: [personal profile] haggis
That confidence is what makes me strongly suspect that there has been much much worse going on behind closed doors. I really hope Nigella has good friends around her who can continue to support her while he tries to bully her through the courts as well.

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