miss_s_b: (Mood: Drama queen)
[personal profile] miss_s_b
This morning I woke up at 5.30am. The instant I awoke my brain was bombarding me with all the reasons I am a terrible, worthless person who does not deserve to have anyone's time, attention, or care.

At 7.30am, after two hours of constant berating by my own brain, I sent a message to someone who might reasonably have expected contact from me today that I would probably not be as responsive as usual because my depression was acting up, and that I was planning to throw myself into work to see if that would help at all.

By 10am, still lying in the dark, not even having been able to summon the spoons to go brush my teeth, I realised that throwing myself into work would need me to actually be able to do some work, and turned on the laptop. Of course I could not concentrate on work.

I've managed to get here, typing this blog post, by composing an email entitled "Maybe typing out an email I am too mortified to ever send will help" which contains within it a list of all the things my brain is beating me up about today. A non-exhaustive list of my flaws and failures and inadequacies, all down in black and white. Looking at them like that... I'm not able to convince myself that they're not bad - they are bad; I am bad - but I can convince myself that they're understandable. That anyone could have these issues, that it's not just me who is uniquely and embarrassingly awful. Apart from anything else, looking at the list pricks my sense of the absurd: it's faintly ridiculous that I am letting this consume me instead of doing the ibble words and getting on with something productive.

So NOW I'm going to throw myself at work and see if I stick...

ETA: It's now after noon. Still no work done but have managed breakfast. Baby steps...

ETA 4pm: Have had a bit of good news, which has helped, and a bag of mini cheddars. And have managed some work! YAY!

Date: Wednesday, January 9th, 2019 01:13 pm (UTC)
hollymath: Black and white picture of my face in profile. I'm wearing a trilby (Default)
From: [personal profile] hollymath
There is such a lot of really hard-core depression going around the last few weeks. Sympathy.

I'm glad making the list and/or blog post helped a little bit. Doing anything, however small, is a win. :)

Date: Wednesday, January 9th, 2019 01:56 pm (UTC)
alithea: Annie from Being Human UK TV show standing in a room with her back to camera with "there's an art to being human" slogan (Being human (base by ahlai))
From: [personal profile] alithea
January is hard :( I'm doing really well at the moment and I STILL managed to have a horrible anxiety nightmare last night. I hope you feel better soon, well done for managing to write and eat. Take care of yourself

Date: Wednesday, January 9th, 2019 05:50 pm (UTC)
alithea: Annie from Being Human UK TV show standing in a room with her back to camera with "there's an art to being human" slogan (Being human (base by ahlai))
From: [personal profile] alithea
Ah, yes, I usually find February the worst month too but then we don't usually have the current political situation... Hopefully there'll at least be some clarity on that by Feb!

Date: Wednesday, January 9th, 2019 02:36 pm (UTC)
softfruit: (Default)
From: [personal profile] softfruit
*reads* *thoughts*

Date: Wednesday, January 9th, 2019 05:48 pm (UTC)
cesy: "Cesy" - An old-fashioned quill and ink (Default)
From: [personal profile] cesy
I hope you have a few more good days and that today improves.

Value

Date: Wednesday, January 9th, 2019 06:05 pm (UTC)
michaelftaylor: Michael Taylor (Default)
From: [personal profile] michaelftaylor
Well, I certainly value your contribution and think you're worth time, attention and care. I found work was a distraction and actually needed to be told I was valued. Luckily I am loved and valued but so are you.

Date: Wednesday, January 9th, 2019 06:13 pm (UTC)
norfolkian: (Default)
From: [personal profile] norfolkian
Big *hugs*.

Date: Wednesday, January 9th, 2019 06:47 pm (UTC)
hilarita: trefoil carving (Default)
From: [personal profile] hilarita
Your brain is busy lying to you. Well, putting a fucking huge distortion filter on everything, because it's January, and it's grey outside, and certain bits of the world are demonstrably shit right now. Solidarity on the deceptive-brain front. Also, hugs if you want them, and I hope you can manage some dinner in a bit, because being hungry doesn't sodding help. *sends virtual dinner*

Date: Wednesday, January 9th, 2019 08:27 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] theandrewhickey
Just a reminder that you are, in fact, absolutely great.

Date: Thursday, January 10th, 2019 01:51 am (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
This was an impressive list of coping strategies activated and I am really glad you chose to post it, and also sorry you had a cruddy depression day.

Date: Thursday, January 10th, 2019 10:49 am (UTC)
lady_lugosi1313: (Default)
From: [personal profile] lady_lugosi1313
what alatefeline said plus I hope you are feeling a little more positive today and less under siege by bad thoughts. Baby steps and recognising when spoons are limited = way to get through xx

Date: Saturday, January 12th, 2019 04:49 pm (UTC)
andrewducker: (Default)
From: [personal profile] andrewducker
*belated hugs*

I hope that you're doing better this weekend.

Date: Sunday, January 13th, 2019 03:11 pm (UTC)
andrewducker: (Default)
From: [personal profile] andrewducker
I wish I was around more to do so!

(I'm generally messageable, but I don't get an hour to actually go through DW except at weekends)

Date: Sunday, January 13th, 2019 03:44 pm (UTC)
andrewducker: (Default)
From: [personal profile] andrewducker
Exciting! I hope it goes well!

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