miss_s_b: (Mood: Drama queen)
This morning I woke up at 5.30am. The instant I awoke my brain was bombarding me with all the reasons I am a terrible, worthless person who does not deserve to have anyone's time, attention, or care.

At 7.30am, after two hours of constant berating by my own brain, I sent a message to someone who might reasonably have expected contact from me today that I would probably not be as responsive as usual because my depression was acting up, and that I was planning to throw myself into work to see if that would help at all.

By 10am, still lying in the dark, not even having been able to summon the spoons to go brush my teeth, I realised that throwing myself into work would need me to actually be able to do some work, and turned on the laptop. Of course I could not concentrate on work.

I've managed to get here, typing this blog post, by composing an email entitled "Maybe typing out an email I am too mortified to ever send will help" which contains within it a list of all the things my brain is beating me up about today. A non-exhaustive list of my flaws and failures and inadequacies, all down in black and white. Looking at them like that... I'm not able to convince myself that they're not bad - they are bad; I am bad - but I can convince myself that they're understandable. That anyone could have these issues, that it's not just me who is uniquely and embarrassingly awful. Apart from anything else, looking at the list pricks my sense of the absurd: it's faintly ridiculous that I am letting this consume me instead of doing the ibble words and getting on with something productive.

So NOW I'm going to throw myself at work and see if I stick...

ETA: It's now after noon. Still no work done but have managed breakfast. Baby steps...

ETA 4pm: Have had a bit of good news, which has helped, and a bag of mini cheddars. And have managed some work! YAY!
miss_s_b: (Fangirling: Cthulhu the Six!Fan)
I had a bad brain day yesterday. Bad enough that I needed to be Away from all people, even the people I love. On those days it is very hard to find things to occupy my brain so that I do not fall into a spiral. I don't always manage it. Sometimes putting the radio on helps; often it makes things worse because there will be some depressing idiot (this is why I no longer listen to The Today Programme).

Reading sometimes helps, but sometimes doesn't. It depends what I'm reading and what books I have available and whether I'm in the mood to reread, etc. And at the moment [personal profile] matgb is in the middle of consolidating the books of the entire household, which in a household in which all of us buy at least 20 books a year, including daughter, is a bit of a mammoth project, so I don't dare touch most of the physical books in case I disturb some arcane arrangement.

Playing a tabletop game often helps, but if I'm so far down the rabbithole I can't even stomach interaction with members of my household, that's not a possibility.

So yesterday I was left with electronic gaming. I am bored of all the games on my phone, and I really do not get on with the playstation controller (having grown up with keyboard and mouse I can never remember where all the buttons are and keep jumping when I mean to shoot or vice versa) so if I'm going to play playstation I need to have enough brain to concentrate... but I always got on with the Wii. So I decided to play a Wii game. And after some deliberation, I lit on de Blob (link there is to the Steam Store version because I am under no illusions that if any of you want to try it you're going to go out and buy a Wii to do so).

And do you know what? It REALLY helped. There's something very depression-squashing about going round and bringing the colour and light and music and fun back to Chroma City, and splatting the thinly-disguised nazis who want to turn everything into banks and prisons. It feels right in the situation the word is currently in to be going round squashing mean-spirited, closed-minded nazis and bringing back joy. And the Wii control system just WORKS with this game. The way you move the controllers is really intuitive and immersive. It adds to the enjoyment in a way that I've not experienced with any other control system.

This is a ten year old game, so it's not bleeding edge, but the graphics hold up surprisingly well IMHO. Having not played it for several years, I had forgotten most of the nuances of the controls, so played from the start, and was surprised to find myself even enjoying the cutscenes. The music is slightly cheesy but fun, and the characters have names like "Bif" for your fight instructor and "zip" for your getting-around instructor. It's totally suitable for kids, but honestly, if you;re a person with depression? Give it a go.

It really pulled me out of things yesterday.
miss_s_b: (Mood: Kill me)
I was reading this earlier, and it struck me as very persuasive. Go read it. I'll wait.

I think we are at 1913, and all the pieces are in place, and all we need is for someone to assassinate Archduke Ferdinand. Or we are at 1938, and all we need is for someone to invade Poland...

We have an actual fascist as president elect of the USA.
A majority of Europeans now have authoritarian views.
The disabled have been derided as scroungers to the point where the UN human rights commission decries our treatment of them, and most Brits just shrug.
Muslims, anyone with a brown or black face, and LGBT people have been prepped by demonisation.

All we need is an Archduke Ferdinand moment, and we'll all start blowing each other up with heterosexual abandon.

Me, personally, I can see it going down one of two ways:

1, Some nutter assassinates Trump. Could be anyone, doesn't really matter. Whoever it is, the whole festering can of worms will explode. Ugly white supremacism will blame muslims and the retaliation will be swift, merciless, and violent. America has guns. Lots and lots of guns. And they don't mind pointing them at each other or anyone else. At some point it will go outside American borders and we'll all end up caught up in it.

2, Russia continues expansionism into Baltic states to the point where we can't keep ignoring it. Conflagration ensues.

What do you guys think is going to be the end of our civilisation?
And is there any hope for the one that comes after?
(I think there might be - humans are very adaptable. It's going to be fucking awful for those individuals of us who live through it, but humanity as a whole will survive. In some form)

ETA: I watched Supergirl today. I wish with all my heart that Lynda Carter was the POTUS and that speech she made about the Statue of Liberty was how America was thinking... Then I saw this. And I cried and cried.
miss_s_b: Mindy St Clare from The Good Place, hiding her nakedness behind very large sunflowers and looking shocked (Default)

State of the SB

Thursday, November 25th, 2010 10:50 pm
miss_s_b: DreamSheep dreams of the Angel of the North (Blogging: DreamSheep: Angel of the North)
Have been off work sick yesterday and today. This is not good.

Saw the consultant yesterday; Gideon is a fibroid. He needs to be taken out, and I've been booked in for February (three months away FFS!), with the proviso that I can go in earlier if the surgeon gets a cancellation. My GP has given me some super extra strength painkillers to keep me going. I feel very down about the whole boiling.

Podcast is all recorded, but there have been some hiccups with the editing. I may put up a rough cut, just to get episode one out there.

Holly is having The Hobbit for her bedtime story and I got so into it that I was reading to her for three quarters of an hour tonight. She's loving it. She managed to wangle herself onto a school trip that we had no idea was happening today too, the little so and so...

Blogging mojo is all out of kilter.

All the above, though? None of that is why I am not going to help out in Old and Sad. If we lose the by election, the party will be wounded. The media will whap us with it. But if we win, with that candidate? I can only see damage resulting from that too. So I'm hiding under the duvet as far as Old and Sad is concerned. For more information, Andrew Hickey has written a post which is full of the conflict I feel.

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miss_s_b: (Who: Three (Chuck))
Last night I asked the internets whether they would rather I did a post about self-harm, or one about the coalition government. Predictably, the consensus was both, so I'm going to do the more difficult one first, and hope that once it's done I still have the energy to do the other.

I suppose the reason I am posting this is to try and illustrate that people who self harm are not dangerous freaks - at least, not dangerous to others - and that people who perhaps you wouldn't expect to be are self-harmers. For a long time I didn't categorise myself as a self-harmer. I don't cut myself, I never have. I don't carve words into my arm. Therefore I'm not a self-harmer. Of course, that's bollocks. What I do is, I scratch. If it all starts getting too much, if the anxiety and depression start to become overwhelming, I scratch. This is one of the reasons I keep my nails short. I tell people that it's for karate, to form a fist properly, or for climbing, but really it's to minimise the damage I can cause myself.

The standard harm I do is to attack my scalp. I know it's my brain causing the problem, so I try to tear off the skin covering it so I can get to it, poke it, and tell it to stop. A couple of weeks ago I had the fantastic idea of cutting my hair really really short to stop myself doing this: I don't want anyone to see the injuries, so if I have a #1 cut I will have to leave my scalp alone. This will stop me from reacting to stress by scratching, right? Well, no. You should see the state of my thigh right now.

The perception of self-harm is that it's a manipulative cry for attention; in my experience it's not. I never scratch anywhere I can't cover it up, and if someone does notice the injury I always have an excuse ready as to how it can have happened. Nor is it an attempt at suicide; if anything, it's the opposite. It's a coping mechanism, and it WORKS. If it didn't work, then I wouldn't do it. Other coping mechanisms do not give the same level of relief.

In my saner moments I realise that it doesn't help; that I'm internalising the anger I feel at how my life and my situation are so totally outside my control. But that doesn't stop me from doing it. I know that I am loved, and that the people who love me don't want to see me in pain. This doesn't stop me from doing it either. I don't know what would.

I don't have a satisfactory conclusion for this entry, either. But somehow, that seems appropriate...

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About This Blog

A picture of me with my mum's dog Pippin

Hello! I'm Jennie (known to many as SB, due to my handle, or The Yorksher Gob because of my old blog's name). This blog is my public face; click here for a list of all the other places you can find me on t'interwebs.


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