miss_s_b: Peter Falk as Columbo saying "just one more thing" (Fangirling: Columbo)
- Linkspammer still broken, sorry about that.
- I kind of feel like I want to blog more than I have for ages, but I'm not really clear what about. It's like an itch. This is an attempt at scratching it. It's not really working. Maybe I ought to do another Liberalism 101 post.
- I've got to go to exercise class in a bit and I'm so wiped out after emotional roller coaster yesterday* and adrenaline rush of dentist terror** this morning that I really don't want to. I know it'll do me good though.
- Daughter is playing lots of Tetris99 since it came out and the music is properly embedding in my head.



* my brain decided that yesterday was a great time to press a whole bunch of self destruct buttons. Happily some of them didn't work.
** I really really hate going to the dentist. My actual dentist is lovely, but that doesn't, sadly, stop the soul-wrenching terror.
miss_s_b: Animated Viking shouts lots of words that originated in Viking language (Fangirling: Horrible Histories)
cut for the squeamish )

But here is a benefit of polyamory: [personal profile] matgb offered to get me a glass of milk in between doing other stuff. After a bit I realise he has forgotten. [personal profile] magister comes up to say goodnight and I am pathetic at him till he goes to get me a glass of milk. Then we say goodnight and he goes to bed. Ten minutes later Mat comes upstairs with a glass of milk "OMG I'm sorry I totally forgot!"

I might be in huge amounts of pain, but I am a happy little milk addict.
miss_s_b: (Mood: Drama queen)
This morning I woke up at 5.30am. The instant I awoke my brain was bombarding me with all the reasons I am a terrible, worthless person who does not deserve to have anyone's time, attention, or care.

At 7.30am, after two hours of constant berating by my own brain, I sent a message to someone who might reasonably have expected contact from me today that I would probably not be as responsive as usual because my depression was acting up, and that I was planning to throw myself into work to see if that would help at all.

By 10am, still lying in the dark, not even having been able to summon the spoons to go brush my teeth, I realised that throwing myself into work would need me to actually be able to do some work, and turned on the laptop. Of course I could not concentrate on work.

I've managed to get here, typing this blog post, by composing an email entitled "Maybe typing out an email I am too mortified to ever send will help" which contains within it a list of all the things my brain is beating me up about today. A non-exhaustive list of my flaws and failures and inadequacies, all down in black and white. Looking at them like that... I'm not able to convince myself that they're not bad - they are bad; I am bad - but I can convince myself that they're understandable. That anyone could have these issues, that it's not just me who is uniquely and embarrassingly awful. Apart from anything else, looking at the list pricks my sense of the absurd: it's faintly ridiculous that I am letting this consume me instead of doing the ibble words and getting on with something productive.

So NOW I'm going to throw myself at work and see if I stick...

ETA: It's now after noon. Still no work done but have managed breakfast. Baby steps...

ETA 4pm: Have had a bit of good news, which has helped, and a bag of mini cheddars. And have managed some work! YAY!
miss_s_b: (Mood: Miserable Brian :()
I just saw this tweet from Hugo Rifkind:
Five years from now British politics will be 98% scuffles between uniformed supporters of Jacob Rees Mogg and Jeremy Corbyn while the rest of us sigh, sleep in parks, cook rats on open fires and still somehow don't vote Liberal Democrat.
And... yeah. He clearly thinks he's joking. But would it really surprise anyone?
miss_s_b: (Mood: Terrified)
(this time as a result of my sister twitting at me)

Oh shit, I'm forty TOMORROW.

I mean when I was a teenager and living my rock n roll lifestyle I was sure I was going to be a member of the 27 club. Live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse.

Tomorrow, I'm going to be forty.

I can't quite wrap my head around it.

Forty.

Jesus wept.
miss_s_b: (Mood: Miserable Brian :()
... and we get the Civil War that some brexiteers promise.

You can see the thread here. It has lots of people joining in with what they think the political landscape would be, how they think the mechanics of it would work, all having a nice, dispassionate, theoretical discussion.

I can't do that, because what I think would happen if the brexiteers ramp up the violence to civil war levels - what is starting to happen, if news reports are to be believed - is that people would die. People of colour, disabled people, LGBT+ people, anyone with a slightly foreign accent... I fit into more than one category of person that would be on The List.

So if there was to be all out civil war over this, I wouldn't be worried about the shape of the politics, because I'd be too busy trying to avoid the mob. Hoping the mob weren't going to get me, my family, my friends.

It must be really nice, to be able to discuss this sort of thing without feeling the existential terror of Them coming for you. I'd love to be able know what that's like.
miss_s_b: Peter Falk as Columbo saying "just one more thing" (Mood: And another thing)
I've been thinking about social media today, what with the twitter boycott and everything. And I can see Twitter dying, actually. Or maybe just limping on, haemorraging users, but never quite dying, the way LJ has. I mean, it's already got to the point where users bemoan how it used to be in the good old days...

But Facebook.

Facebook is never going to die, is it? It's like amazon; its critical mass is too huge, its gravity too crushing for the vast majority of internet users to escape. Periodically someone comes up with a better social networking idea, but it never takes off, because everybody is on Facebook and why would they go through the hassle of moving?

And people might say "what about MySpace? Everyone had a MySpace back in the day! And that died!" But they didn't. Everyone who was on the internet had a MySpace, but the majority of people were not on the internet in those days. These days the majority of people on this planet ARE on the internet, and more than half of them actively use Facebook. And the damn thing just keeps on growing.

I know a few people who don't have Facebook at all (myself included) and a few more who resentfully, grudgingly use it "because there's people I would never hear from if I didn't"... but most people are happy little products, aren't they?

And they are products, and Facebook treats them as such, and gets away with it due to it's untouchable position. It's just the way things are done. You have to use Facebook to get anywhere these days, and so you have to put up with the way Facebook does things or you don't get anywhere.

Facebook is the Harvey Weinstein of the internet.
miss_s_b: (Mood: Kill me)
The windows in our house have needed mending for ages. Today is the day the landlord finally sent the window man round. I am looking after the dogs in a room where he doesn't need to go, and working from my laptop (boss has me doing research into arcane bits of law today).

But the window man is here.

And I can't even go to the loo, because one of the windows he is mending is the bathroom window.

And I really really need to pee.

Typing out a blog post helps, right?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

Thursday, July 13th, 2017 03:14 pm
miss_s_b: (Mood: Drama queen)
My to do list has too many things on it and they all eat spoons and I have no spoons send spoons. Srsly.

Am managing to just about keep up with work stuff, but politics stuff is a bit wibbly wobbly and personal stuff is backed up like someone who's never eaten prunes.

Also, Roxy has finished her course of antibiotics, yet is still coughing (we're going back to the vet tomorrow); my ankle still hurts; Hol breaks up for the summer holidays tomorrow; we've got a meat order coming and the freezer is too full already; I've got research to do on policy for a Lord; I've got two reviews to write; I've got LOADS of stuff to do for LGBT+LDs; I've got loads of invoices to issue and forms to fill in (and forms are a terrifying thing); AND we are out of gin.

This is not sustainable.

(we now return you to your scheduled programming)
miss_s_b: (Mood: Belligerent Wheel of Fortune)
- still being at the office at ten to eleven at night
- Smeg appliances, and the repairpeople thereof
- suppliers of gravel
- Victorian houses with fittings measured in imperial when everything is metric now
- HP printers
- Virgin routers
- Lib Dem Federal conference committee and all the associated paperwork

Roxy is still poorly, although the antibiotics seem to be having some effect. I still have waaaaaaaaaay too many responsibilities for someone as irresponsible as me. I have to go to That London tomorrow for federal conference committee, and (having examined the submitted motions for conference) I have unkind things to say about several of them.

Frankly, I have very little patience right now, and I pity anyone who gets in my way.
miss_s_b: (Mood: Drama queen)
- still not having the best of mental health. An example: just had a panic attack because the hotel I'm booked into for conference sent me an email beginning "unfortunately" (thankfully it was "unfortunately our outdoor swimming pool will be unavailable during your stay although we still have an indoor one, please don't cancel, please, we love you" not "unfortunately we've double booked your room and you've been bounced and are going to have to find somewhere else to stay and will probably end up about 50 miles away").
- still mostly off Twitter, although I'm checking it once or twice a day for DMs etc.
- still scabby-chested and sore and oozy.
- still alternating between furious and utterly depressed at various political things, especially the continued positioning of the leadership of my party - for fuck's sake, we're against brexit, not against "extreme" brexit, whatever the fuck that is, stop muddying our waters you idiots! [/rant] See also posts from the last week on this blog, including f-locked ones.
- today is Brighouse Festival of Brass aka Brass Band Sunday, a day to strike terror into the hearts of any pub/retail staff who have witnessed the effect it has on Brighouse town centre. I have the choice of having the windows shut and boiling to death, or having the windows open and having Brass Band Music perpetrated on me and interrupting sweet sweet radio 4.

Basically, I'm not doing that great, lads. So, you know, if I'm grumpy or snappy with you, or if I'm not about when you expect me to be about, this is why. I'm not dead, just resting ;)
miss_s_b: Vince Cable's happy face (Politics: Vince - happy face)
The vultures are already circling round Tim Farron, despite him having got us a 50% increase in seat numbers, and come within 500 votes of doubling our seats. I've also privately had "Tim must go" messages, or variations thereof, from five separate people; and I'm known as a Tim supporter. Christ alone knows what it's like in Lambite circles. I personally think we need a leadership election like we need a hole in the head, but the party constitution says that there must be a leadership election within a year of a general election (see article 17.2 (g) - sorry it's a .pdf). My suspicion is that Federal Board will look at the instability of the current parliament and conclude that we're better to have a new leader in place before the inevitable autumn general election, so they can bed in before it's called. Add to that the large number of Norman Lamb's supporters who never accepted the result of the last leadership election, and have been constantly hampering the party by briefing against Tim since the day of his victory, and a leadership election very soon is almost an inevitability.

If we're going to have a leadership election (which I am pretty resigned to, despite not wanting one) we need to be very careful about how we go about it. A swiftly called, badly run leadership election, fuelled by existing bad blood, will do nothing to enthuse all our lovely new members, and will almost certainly put off some older members too.

We could have a Rubber Stamp Tim election - Tim and RON being the only candidates. I don't think that would wash with the Lambites, or various other people who are anti-Tim for other reasons. And besides, it's possible RON might win and we'd have to have another election, which would be a waste of money the party doesn't have.

We could have a rerun of the last one, but I think that would be utterly disastrous for the party. It would turn very nasty, very quickly. While I stand by everything I said about Tim in the election campaign, some of the BUT TIM HATES THE GAYS ("But her emails!") mud has stuck, and that makes him incapable of taking the fight to the DUP as vociferously and as hard as we need him to. People just do not believe that his values fit with the party, however much you demonstrate to them that they do through his voting record. It's shit, but it's happened, and we have to do something to deal with that. Now, Tim might be able to burst that bubble himself, but he's shown no signs of doing so so far, and the longer it goes on the harder it will be to shift. It may already be impossible. I love Tim to bits, and happily voted for him in the last leadership election, and it has been so relaxing having a leader I agree with on almost everything, and don't have to blog about how rubbish he is twice a week every week... but even I am forced to admit that this One Big Flaw might be fatal, especially given the current proposed government.

Norman Lamb, however, would still be much, much worse. I have many issues with him, but my three main ones are:
  1. He scuppered our entire anti-brexit USP by insisting on the stupid second referendum positioning in the manifesto, entirely because his seat is leave-voting. We should have said that we would halt brexit if we formed a government. Being unambiguously pro-remain, in a way that could be boiled down to two words, would have been a position we could have campaigned on. A second referendum with remain as an option is bloody stupid, needlessly complicated, and not an option anybody was going to vote enthusiastically for: Well first we'd negotiate a brexit deal, then we'd set up a referendum, and then we'd campaign against the deal we ourselves negotiated? It's madness. The electorate is pig sick of elections and referenda right now, too. Brenda speaks for many. The kind of selfishness demonstrated by inserting all that into the manifesto to save your own neck, especially when it played a part in preventing us from winning so many other seats, is not acceptable in a leader.

  2. His policy pronouncements on autism have been entirely along the Autism Speaks/Autism Parents line (for why this is bad, click here. For a dissection of Norman Lamb's views specifically, click here). The fact that Norman is almost universally lauded as being excellent on mental health makes this so much more hurtful, like when people who claim to be LGBT allies say "we achieved equal marriage". Plus, when challenged on it by actually autistic people, he reacted extremely badly: first doubling down, and then saying "oh, come meet me in parliament and we can talk about this" when the volume increased while still promoting the offending article. Both the policy and his reaction to complaints about it make me doubt him as a leader. Whatever Tim's faults, he listens, and if he's wrong, he learns. Lamb shows no sign of being capable of that.

  3. He's a rubbish media performer, and we desperately need a good one. He comes across as cold, aloof, and boring. Tim's Chirpy Northern Chappy schtick is not for everyone, but at least he's passionate when he speaks, and for all my kvetching about Clegg, he was great on the media. Now, this could potentially be trained out of him. But probably not before the next election if it happens as quickly as looks likely.
So, despite Tim's One Big Flaw, in a rerun of the last leadership election I would be forced to vote for him, because Lamb would be so much worse. And I wouldn't be happy. And the party wouldn't be happy. And there would be even more bad blood than there is already. And I accept that I am almost certainly adding to that bad blood with this post, but I'm doing it more in sorrow than in anger; it's stuff that needs to be said.

So: given that we need to prevent a rerun of the last leadership election for all the reasons above, and we can't have a Rubber Stamp Tim election, we need to find another candidate(s). To stand as a candidate for leadership of the lib dems, you have to be an MP. This gives us a potential field of twelve, given the election results (and I will forever mourn that the voters of Cambridge and Wells didn't return Julian Huppert and Tessa Munt to the parliamentary party - Tessa for leader, in particular, I would have wholeheartedly and enthusiatically supported).

The media always touts Vince, but Vince has said many times he doesn't want to do it, plus, while he is undoubtedly excellent on the economy and related matters, he is somewhat shaky on other areas that are important to me, most notably immigration.

Tom Brake is utterly lovely, but anonymous outside London. Stephen Lloyd is even more anonymous than Tom. Ed Davey is too divisive, to put it politely. Alistair Carmichael is too tainted. Wera Hobhouse, Christine Jardine, Jamie Stone and Layla Moran have not been in parliament for long enough - although Layla especially will hopefully be excellent for the future.

So that leaves us with a field of one.

Jo Swinson is an excellent media performer, is sound on policy, and is good at listening to the party. When the leadership election happens, I hope she stands. I really, really hope she stands. For the sake of the party, and all of us in it.

ETA It's been mentioned to me by a couple of people that there is no requirement for a RON in a single candidate election, and that we've had RONless uncontested leadership elections before (before my time, though), so that is less impossible than I've painted it. I still think a contested election is inevitable, though. There's too many anti-Tim people in the party. Sadly.

PSA: Twitter

Tuesday, December 27th, 2016 12:39 pm
miss_s_b: (Mood: Miserable Brian :()
So I said something ill-thought-out on twitter, and it caused an argument with someone I really care about, and I just wanted it all to go away, but it didn't because while I was having the argument lots of other people were joining in on both sides, and the original ill-thought-out-tweet was being retweeted and it's all got too much.

So I've deleted my twitter account, apart from anything else, just to stop people RTing that tweet. I've got 30 days. I may reconsider.

YAY happy birthday to me.

Norovirus

Monday, November 21st, 2016 11:43 am
miss_s_b: (Britishness: Tea)
Crikey, norovirus is HORRIBLE, isn't it?

Saturday morning I was right as rain.
Saturday lunchtime I felt a bit queasy. Two minutes later I had to fight my way to the loo and cut for TMI ).

The rest of Saturday and up to Sunday afternoon I couldn't even keep water down.
Sunday afternoon I managed a yogurt.
Sunday evening I managed a plain chicken breast, then got overconfident and tried to eat a funsize bag of skittles. Skittles caused puke-o-rama.
About 2am I managed a bagel. It stayed down but I felt awful.
About an hour ago a cheese spread sandwich. I still feel queasy.

On top of all that I am highly infectious so I can't have hugs, and won't be able to have hugs for two days after symptoms subside.

Guys, you all know how I love food and hugs.
This is the worst torture EVER.

Health Updatery

Friday, November 4th, 2016 05:17 pm
miss_s_b: (Who: Maxil (pillock))
... is all I ever seem to post these days, isn't it?

I have been back to the quack to discuss my test results. The quack did a manual exam* and has booked me in with the vampire** and the batscanner***.

I am still in constant pain, and the bleeding is still constant.

If I am grumpy with you at all, this is probably the reason. I can at least now self-medicate with gin.



* Yes, THAT kind of manual exam. And I had to explain to her what a mooncup was. And having my uterus prodded at from all angles did not help with the pain.
** Apparently not everyone refers to having bloods taken as "going to see the vampire"? I'm sure the seasoned phlebotomist will have heard the term before
*** Ultrasound scanning person
miss_s_b: (Mood: Drama queen)
- have finished course of antibiotics prescribed for secondary problem.
- primary problem still there, but at least I'm not suffering the side effects of the antibiotics any more.
- side effects of antibiotics completely wiped me out in terms of energy and brainpower for over a week, and I couldn't even booze :(
- all the other tests came back negative, so I'm booked in at the doctors on Wednesday next week. Will probably have to have more tests.
- we've ruled out cervical cancer, and all the various infections; it could still be all sorts of nasty things though. At this point I just want to be able to put a name to it.
- they still haven't come to pick up my Note 7 (they're meant to be coming today, but I'm not holding my breath).
- new phone, which seller swore blind was in Ireland, has actually been dispatched from Taiwan, if it's been dispatched at all, because they've given me a fake tracking number.
- I'm still in pain, still phoneless, and still pissed off.

On the plus side, I have mainlined two seasons of GotHam, one and a half of Lucifer, and caught up on iZombie; Ash Vs Evil Dead continues awesome, and there was new Supergirl last night. So, you know, it's not all bad. And on Friday I can finally have gin!

Hope you are all well, and sending extra big hugs to [personal profile] sassy_scot and her family.

PSA: Contacting me

Saturday, October 22nd, 2016 11:43 am
miss_s_b: (Mood: Kill me)
If you're trying to contact me for the next couple of days, you're probably best either phoning the landline, or going through Mat if it's text-based communication.

- Samsung were supposed to collect my phone yesterday, so it got reset to factory settings and powered down. They didn't come.
- My new phone has not arrived yet.
- I am typing this on Mat's laptop because Tiny Laptop is broken, and has been for ages, but I never got round to fixing her because I was fine with my phone.
- Alisdair's phone (my old Note 2, so 3 phones ago) is proving increasingly unreliable after nearly 5 years of constant use and keeps dying on him, so contacting me via him is not going to be a reliable option.

In health news, I am still in pain from the original, still undiagnosed, problem. I am having horrific side effects from the antibiotics they gave me to treat the secondary problem they found while looking for the original problem. And I can't even play stupid games on my phone to distract me from all this.

All in all, I'm a bit low.

Sorry not to end on a more positive note...
miss_s_b: (Self: Tattoo)
There is nothing I want to say right now other than the following:

AAAAARGH IT ITCHES! NO IT REALLY ITCHES! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND QUITE HOW MUCH IT ITCHES AND I CAN'T SCRATCH IT BECAUSE IF I DO THE INK MIGHT BLEED OUT BUT OH MY SWEET CTHULHU IT ITCHES. I CAN'T EVEN SOAK IT IN THE BATH FOR ANOTHER NINE DAYS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SOAK A NEW TATTOO! ARGH ARGH ARGH!

Thank you for you concern in this matter.

TMI under the cut )

So yeah. ARRRRRGH IT ITCHES.
miss_s_b: Vince Cable's happy face (Politics: Vince - happy face)
... but only because so many people I care about made such impassioned pleas (and in some cases told me their own tales of teetering on the edge of leaving).

I'm not the world's happiest bunny right now. But I'm clinging on.
miss_s_b: (Blogging: Internet forever!!)
I keep trying to give it up, but I keep drifting back to it.

My mental health has been SO much better the past couple of weeks of tw'oliday, and yet, despite myself, I couldn't stay away and the last couple of days I have drifted back to my usual level of tw'activity, and my usual level of screaming "Oh FUCK OFF" at various screens at various points during the day.

So I'm going to do a pros and cons list to try to decide whether I shouldn't just delete the whole boiling.

Pro: very fast personal news feed.
Con: random attacks from eggs
Pro: get news there that doesn't appear anywhere else
Con: news there is relentlessly depressing, shows the world to be a savage and horrible place, and makes me wonder if there is any point in carrying on
Pro: able to quickly message people who don't respond to texts or emails
Con: even people you love can say things that will upset you all day (recent Lib Dem AWS "discussions" have proven that to the Nth degree)

I liked twitter when it was just you'd say something and maybe it would make people laugh and there'd be fun. Twitter hasn't felt like fun for a long time. There are probably things I could do to make it more fun, but I don't know if I'd end up throwing out the baby with the bathwater... but then if I leave altogether I'm going to be doing that anyway, aren't I?

I dunno. I don't miss faceache since leaving it all those yeas ago. What do you guys think?

(this post brought to you by an utter failure to stop hiding under the duvet and clean the damn house before visitors arrive. YAY for anxiety-caused-procrastination! YAY for the fact that procrastination makes the anxiety worse! YAY for vicious circles!)
miss_s_b: Vince Cable's happy face (Politics: Vince - happy face)
A couple of days ago someone I had a great deal of affection for passed away. It was not terribly unexpected - she was past 90 years old - but it was quite sudden. She had a stroke. The funeral has been set for a week tomorrow, at 2.30pm, in Devon.

A week tomorrow, at 2.30pm, my schedule says I am zooming through the midlands because I'm due to be on a train from the civilised north to the wilds of Bournemouth for Lib Dem conference. The ticket was booked ages ago, on a two together railcard, to maximise savings, because even with my new job money is still a struggle. Because it was booked on a two together railcard, if I don't use that ticket I'll be screwing over the other person on the two railcard, who will have to buy another full price ticket to go to conference.

I could try to find two people who are 1, travelling to Lib Dem conference from Calderdale AND have a Two Together Railcard AND haven't already booked their tickets, but this seems to me to be massively unlikely.

I could borrow money so I can help my Two together partner get a solo ticket, and then all I have to do (all!) is get from Devon to Bournemouth after the funeral in time to check in to my hotel room - which I would now have to pay for whether I use it or not.

Or I could not go to the funeral.

Whatever I do, I am perpetrating an injustice. I hate impossible choices.
miss_s_b: (Mood: Sorry)
Yeah. Up until about half past seven everything was fine. Then in short order a great number of stressy things happened and now I am close to meltdown.

To give but three examples: I have deactivated my twitter account - probably temporarily, but at this point, who knows? - because life is too short to put up with being called scum by people you considered friends. Things may well have just gone tits up with my new job. And the Calderdale liberal Democrats are being their usual selves. Still, it could be worse, right? Well it IS worse, but I can't tell you about those bits. Sorry.

Comments off; this is an explanation, not an asking for sympathy. Maybe I'll see you soon.

On feeling safe

Saturday, August 30th, 2014 06:19 am
miss_s_b: Mindy St Clare from The Good Place, hiding her nakedness behind very large sunflowers and looking shocked (Feminist Heroes: Kate Beckett)
I have been thinking about this on and off all week, and sleeplessness is making me blog about it now. Sorry it's not the cheeriest subject for a Saturday morning...

One of the consequences of my past is that I never feel 100% safe and secure. Even in a blissful post-coital embrace with a lover, even if I trust that person with my life, there is a part of me fretting about my safety. And not only do I never feel truly safe, but I have different things that increase my meagre sense of safety to most people. So where most people feel safer at night if they have locked the doors, I feel less safe if my escape route is impeded. I understand that locking the doores at night keeps burglars out, but I don't like it. I HAVE to know where the keys are, and I don't like having interior doors shut at all, at any time.

I feel safer sleeping on the side of the bed nearest the door. If I go to a new place I have to plan how I would get out, and am anxious and jittery until I have. I need to know where the train station is and that I can get to it at all times, wherever I am; and I always need to have a travel pass, or enough money to buy a ticket to get away if I need to.

When you've had a relationship where the person you love IS the danger, even if it is only one of many relationships, it really screws with your head. And there's always a part of you wondering if it WAS your fault, and if you could make THIS lover treat you the same way.

Intellectually, of course, I know it wasn't my fault. He was just a violent person. I also know that were anybody to try to treat me that way now
1, I am physically strong enough (and have done enough self defence classes) to make sure it wouldn't be me came off worst
2, it would only happen once, then I would end the relationship.
... but that's still not enough for the creeping sense of "what if" to go away. It worms around in my heart, and makes me doubt myself and other people. In this context, allowing myself to love ANYBODY at all is counterintuitive.

I am lucky enough to have more than one person to love. There are people I would trust with not only my own life, but my daughter's. They have proved to me on countless occasions that I could feel safe with them, if only my treacherous heart would allow me to do so. They understand, and they are patient and kind, and do what they can to help when I don't feel safe at all. Allowing myself to love them is my small act of rebellion against the forcible indoctrination that if you open your heart to someone it only leads to physical and emotional pain. I WILL NOT allow myself to believe that is true in all cases, and so I prove to myself it's not by loving people as hard as I can.

This can be a bit intense if you're on the recieving end of it. All I can say is that I am grateful, hugely grateful, for the people willing to be subjected to my love.

You know who you are. Thank you.

Reasons to be Cheerful

Wednesday, June 18th, 2014 10:23 pm
miss_s_b: (Love: Addams)
So I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself this week. Those of you who follow me on twitter might have noticed that I have been afflicted with a mystery spotty disease, which it's looking increasingly likely is shingles*. And there have been a couple of other health-related things which... yeah, I'm not going to go into those. But some of you know why they are upsetting. I never realised how much my self-esteem was wrapped up in my appearance, despite being the kind of feminist who doesn't wear make-up etc., until I suddenly have a face like a half-chewed pizza... Anyway, rather than wallow, I thought I would count my blessings:

  • I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and all that jazz. More than many people have.

  • I have an amazing daughter, and doggie-nurses who snuggle me when I'm feeling bad.

  • My boys. Some of you live with me, some of you don't**. You're all amazing. You're all utterly different to each other, but you're all such good people. I am incredibly grateful and privileged to know each one of you.

  • I have the best friends in the world***. By tweet, by text message, by phone call... You have all been there for me this week. Thank you. I wish I could repay you all for the worth you are to me, but there's not enough gold in the world.

  • Gin.

I'm sure I have more blessings to count, but right now? Right now that last one is looking like the best one I've got. Hopefully my next blog post will be less maudlin.



* the doctor said he didn't think it to be shingles because it was too widespread, and he'd lean towards an allergic reaction, but for various reasons (including my dad the human biology teacher turning up at my house, taking one look at me, and saying "well that's CLEARLY shingles!", and the fact that I have had further outbreaks when I have been nowhere but home...) I think it probably is.

** One of you is kind of half and half right now...*cough* Anyway...

*** if you're thinking "oh she probably doesn't mean ME..." I probably do. Y'all have probably heard of micro-aggressions. There should be a similar term for micro-acts-of-kindness. There are some of you who have said something that you probably think of as a throwaway comment, but which has literally shown me that life is worth living this week. That's very valuable indeed.
miss_s_b: (Mood: Drama queen)
So I am physically ill, again. I don't think it's anything serious but it is leaving me exhausted and yet insomniac, which is always a great combination.

I've also been under a bit of stress the last few days - entirely of my own making - which has pushed my never-particularly-stable mental state into full blown beat-myself-up mode. This means that the tiniest thing I get wrong feels like a disaster, and the smallest of my flaws feels like a reason I should be put to death to save the rest of the universe the embarrassment of having to put up with me.

I'm not able to do anything that involves leaving the house because of the physical illness (which makes me feel incredibly guilty and makes the mental problems worse), and because ofthe mental stuff I'm incapable of concentrating enough for books or games or even telly. I'm just about coping with Twitter (while starting the odd pointless argument).

I am posting this so that if I am unexpectedly grumpy or short with you, you know the reason. And I am turning comments off because, frankly, if I get the sort of comments I usually get on an entry like this they will only make me cry at the moment; I know I have people who love me, but right now I can't understand why they do when I'm such a useless piece of crap. This will probably pass. But until it does: apologies in advance if I say something bitchy or cruel or below the belt to you. It's not your fault.

About This Blog

A picture of me with my mum's dog Pippin

Hello! I'm Jennie (known to many as SB, due to my handle, or The Yorksher Gob because of my old blog's name). This blog is my public face; click here for a list of all the other places you can find me on t'interwebs.

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Miss SB by Jennie Rigg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.0 UK: England & Wales License.
Based on a work at miss-s-b.dreamwidth.org.

Please note that any and all opinions expressed in this blog are subject to random change at whim my own, and not necessarily representative of my party, or any of the constituent parts thereof (except myself, obviously).

Printed by Dreamwidth Studios, Maryland USA. Promoted by Jennie Rigg, of Brighouse, West Yorkshire.

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